The nature of our lifestyle is so strange. We have a lot of time off right now, and it feels very… empty. We had a band meeting yesterday, and it ended up lasting for hours. We didn’t really have all that much to discuss, but I think we just got to hanging out, and lost track of time. Truthfully, I think we were all subconsciously dragging it out, just so we could be with each other longer. The people I travel with have become my family. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I have a handful of other relationships in my life, but our consistent touring schedule for the last year has ensured that I am unable to be particularly close with any of them. We go to exciting places, and often get the privilege of meeting some truly wonderful people. I fall deeply in love with the places and the people I meet, making it difficult to be away from them. I have only enough time to plant the seeds of friendship, never enough to water them. I sometimes feel robbed, as if I am owed anything. But lately I am being reminded of the gift that life really is, and how fortunate I am to have a single person to call my friend. I am blessed with people who care about me for reasons that I will never understand. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from people who I have only interacted with in person once, or maybe a handful of times.
I miss Burk, my best friend for as long as I can remember. I miss my awesome parents, who I haven’t seen since May. I miss Blanton, my old roommate and surrogate big brother, the most fashionable dude in Cooke County. I miss Jessica, who I met in Lancaster and who is now living in Florida with her parents because she has a heart of gold. I miss the girl I fell in love with and hate the girl she’s become. I miss Josh and Trista Lamb, my Pennsylvania family. I miss Jay, the weird looking guy with one awkwardly long dread who had a significant impact on me, even for the limited time he spent with us. I miss Rob McFadden, the guy who spent more time eating chili cheese fries than he did playing guitar with us last summer. I miss Chase Burnett, the guy from Texas who I feel so strangely connected to despite our limited interactions. I miss Corinne Chase, the person who gave me hope for this world of ours, but who I haven't seen or spoken to in ages now. I don’t have a phone right now. I can’t call these people to tell them how much I care about them. And even if I could, it wouldn’t make up for anything. The truth is, I missed Jay’s wedding last week. We had a show. And there are similar stories with every one of my aforementioned relationships. Almost every person I mentioned could write a blog longer than this strictly about all the ways I have let them down, most of them as a result of me being in this band.
I’m not complaining. Even while recognizing the weighty consequences of my choices, I wake up every day and make the decision to keep doing what I do. I don’t regret any of it. I have to spend my life trying my hardest to make a difference, to live in such a way that people’s lives are impacted. I’m not good at math. I’m really not good at sports. I’m good at hitting things with sticks. And by some bizarre turn of events, I was blessed with the opportunity to do it as a job. The interactions that this band allows me to have with people like you are what motivate me to keep doing this. And I am so grateful for it.
I know this blog is longer than most. Thanks for sticking with me. I just woke up this morning (at 2:00 p.m.) and was feeling overwhelmed by the consequences of my lifestyle, and this is my way of processing it. I don’t have plans today. I don’t have plans for the rest of the week. There’s a dangerous sense of self-pity that tries to creep up on us in the midst of isolation. There is no noble decision in this life that comes without some negative consequences. It is exceptionally important that in the midst of that negativity, we remember the good for which we have sacrificed so much. Don’t just do what is easy. Do what you were made for.